it's a frail love

... but it's yours.


fics can be found at

Okay, so this journal is rusty. Probably time to pick up where I left off.

And ugh my younger self is just so horrid I don't even. Why was I so emotional? orz Seriously tempted to delete the posts, but it'll probably serve as a good reminder :p

Been subscribing to Jap mags lately to brush up on my japanese. I can understand fine, but not sure how accurate my translation would be ^^; Still trying my hardest though! :D

I know this isn't really matured of me, but I'm kind of put off all the same. Just when I've finally tasted my long-awaited freedom, shit happens. Could you blame me for being slightly emotional? It's not exactly easy convincing the mom, you know.


So apparently, SPM is going to be in less than two weeks.

I don't think I'm ready. But then again, does anybody think they are in the face of this so-called life changing event? I'm scared of what's going to happen, during exams and post-exams.  And the little time I have left in school really makes my heart break (though that's something I'll probably never tell).

I guess they're right. In the beginning of the year, we felt so grown up. As if being seniors in high school means being in the same league as mature adults. Now that we're here, almost crossing the line between school life and the unknown, we finally realize how small, how inexperienced we are compared to the teachers, parents etc.

How I wish I have the words to thank all those who have made me who I am today, but alas, when it comes to the moment that counts, words fail me. Those that matter have begun telling me how much they'll miss these times we shared; the laughter, the tears, everything in between. But I keep silent. Mostly because more than anything, I'm afraid I'll sound cheesy and just ruin everything.

But I do feel it. I do. I'm pretty stoic, and a darn good liar, but I'm not emotionless.

To T, I know we might tell you that you're a goody-goody two shoes and we tell you to toughen up a bit, but do realize that we're doing it not because we hate you for who you are. Rather, we love you, and we're scared that people are going to take advantage of you because you're so damn naive and unsuspecting. We lash out at you to make you stronger, and for those times when you're truly bothered and cried because of it, I'm terribly sorry. You're a gem, girl, and we love you for it. Never change.

To M, we haven't known each other long. Perhaps less than a year. But your companionship is something I value, and you can't possibly imagine how much I love the nights when we'd both exchange songs. You and your Arashi and me with my SHINee. Not to mention the frequent fangirling rants that no one but you can possibly understand. And I know sometimes our opinions might clash, but you're still open and accepting, and I love that about you.

To Syamox, I'm spelling it right this time around just to humor you, but you know I still prefer it better as Syamok. We do lots of crazy things together, and we've never fought. Probably because we share the same opinions and we're so much alike. I tell you things that I don't tell anyone else (though you probably don't notice) though sometimes, your constant indecision and your bottomless ego drives me up the wall. You're very blunt and honest, perhaps a bit too much, but I love you because of it. Because more than anything, there's never a friend that I can turn to for a more honest opinion.

To D, I still love you. :D

To A, words cannot possibly portray how much I treasure our friendship. You've stuck out with me the longest, and you've seen me through my best and my absolute worst. Maybe you're not the best place for advice, but I can never hope for someone better to simply listen. Because sometimes, that's the only thing I need, you know. You've put up with me through clashes and turmoils that I'm sure no one else could go through. Thank you for listening to my stupid philosophies, identity crisis and whatnot. You know things about me that I'm pretty sure I'll never tell anyone else, and you keep my deepest darkest secrets. I love you, perhaps more than words can ever say, and you're the absolute best friend I can ever have. I can never replace you, nor do I plan to.

This sounds sappy. So I'll just stop now.



 Today, I successfully bought the missing batteries for my camera.

Of course, it burnt a hole in my wallet, and I'm completely penniless for the whole duration of the holidays. Which sucks. Big time. So am keeping my fingers crossed for people to simply drown me with money this Friday.

I doubt I'll get to use it, though. The mother would bank it all up before I could even lay a finger on them.

Life as an underaged homosapien sucks.

But whatever.

Am re-reading Lovely Complex for the thousandth time, and I'm still rooting for Ootani and Koizumi. That has to be the only canon pairing that I actually favor. I have a wild streak of hating female characters in anything (because perfection makes me gag. Seriously.) Next manga up for reads is the sister's much recommended Kaichou wa Maid-sama.

Thank god for online manga streaming sites. Or else there's no stitching that huge hole in the wallet.

I'm not short. But the legs are short. And fat. Short and fat.

The ugliest combination. Ever.

I envy skinny legs, which isn't a good thing because 70% of the population in school has skinny (pretty,pretty!) legs. (Curse Asians for being so damned slim. They should've included me in the list).

And those large goddamned feet. It deprives me of the most  gorgeous of shoes. ;_;

So now I'm only stuck with Clarks or Hush Puppies; and they're comfy and all, but really. Am only stuck with two shops. Out of the hundreds of others in the mall. It's not fair. Malaysia should have more shops for 'large-but-not-really-fat' people. Most tops can't even overcome my butt. And most jeans that fit my waist have to be cut a few inches before they suit my height.

It's so depressing it drives me to be suicidal. (well, not really, but yeah)

The reason of my sudden moping?

I really wanted those shoes.

Because who cares if you're not my forever,
and we're not going to end up together?

All I know is I love you,
right here and now,
and that's all that matters.


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